When You Don’t Get Your Way

How do you respond when things don’t go your way or you don’t get what you want? The current news is filled with reports of people demonstrating their anger about not getting what they want, and I am concerned that the methods they’ve chosen to express their feelings are doing more harm than good. The lack of ability to appropriately express frustration, wants and needs is doing damage on a large scale in many cities, but it also impacts people on an individual level. 

Life is difficult if you are unable to express your concerns and let others know how you want things to change, and a lot of people struggle with communicating effectively in this area. I often teach my clients to use The DESC Script tool in order to help them organize their emotions into words.

D – Describe your observations related to an experience objectively and without a great deal of detail.

E – Express both your thoughts and feelings.

S – State what you want and need.

C – Identify both the positive and negative Consequences related to your wants and needs.

Here is an example of what this technique might sound like:

D - “When I walked in the door tonight you looked at me but did not acknowledge me. I said, ‘Hello’ to you but you did not respond.” The description statement should be a simple, objective observation. You’ll note that there is no assumption or emotional language. It does NOT say, “I walked in after a horrible day at work” and it doesn’t say, “You looked at me like you were mad.”

E – Thoughts: “I know it is possible to be so focused on what you are doing at times that you may not notice that I arrived home, but tonight I don’t think that was the case. I think it was rude to not talk to me or acknowledge me when you saw me come in and heard me say, ‘Hello’ to you.”  Feelings: “I feel disrespected, hurt and angry when that happens.”

S – “When I get home I often look forward to reconnecting with you, even if it is just with a warm ‘Hello’ or ‘How was your day?’ I would appreciate it if you would keep that in mind. If you are upset with me or preoccupied, I would like you to share that with me as well.”

C – Positive: “If we can agree to greet each other when we arrive home after having been apart for awhile, I think it will keep us emotionally connected and feeling good about each other in the moment.” Negative: “If we don’t do this, I’m concerned that it could lead to hard feelings and possible resentment.”

This example isn’t based on politics or current events, but I can assure you that if you use this format in your communication with elected officials in order to express your concerns, it will make a much more positive difference than acting out in an emotional rage.  

As individuals, we cannot always change everything in the world around us, but we are responsible for our own words and actions. The DESC Script will help you make a positive difference in the sphere you influence and help you get what you want and need from your relationships.

Live, Work & Relate Well!

Dr. Todd