10 Communication Tips That Will Improve All Your Relationships

By far, the number one problem identified by married couples is that they can't communicate effectively. It's actually somewhat hard to believe that this problem is so pervasive in homes today when you consider that these same couples often claim to not have difficulty communicating with friends and co-workers. What's up with this?

One of the main reasons couples have such a difficult time communicating at home is because their conversations involve "high stake" relationships along with "high stake" issues that are often highly emotionally charged.

I have found that one of the best ways to guarantee better communication when engaged in these difficult conversations is to learn how to be a skilled listener. I'm confident that if you consistently practice the tips below for the next thirty days you will see the quality of your communication improve significantly. Start putting these tips to work for your relationships today!

1. Listen twice as much as you talk

"It is far better to keep quiet and let people think you are foolish than it is to speak and have their suspicions confirmed."

"The word "listen" contains the same letters as the word 'silent'." Alfred Bandel

2. Commit to not interrupting

"Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him." King Solomon

3. Listen for accurate understanding

"Seek first to understand, then to be understood." Stephen Covey

"Hearing is merely picking up sound vibrations. Listening involves understanding what you hear."

4. Avoid mind reading and drawing premature conclusions

Acting as a mind reader or jumping to premature conclusions because you have "heard it all before" will likely take you down the road of misunderstanding.

5. Ask questions to gain more information and to seek clarification

The more fully and clearly you understand the thoughts, feelings and needs of others the more you are likely to offer a constructive response.

6. Practice active listening skills

Active listening skills involve non-verbal cues that communicate interest in the person as well as what they are saying such as nodding your head, maintaining good eye contact, and leaning forward.

7. Avoid non-verbal messages that communicate disagreement, disgust, or disengagement 

Rolling the eyes, looking at the ceiling, taking deep sighs and looks of disgust are a sure way to stop good communication in its tracks.

8. Use paraphrasing in order to make sure you understand the message correctly

Paraphrasing or summarizing what you heard by using a phrase such as "I heard you say..." is a great way to make sure you understand what the other person communicated.

9. Be aware of your mental filters

We all have biases, prejudices and past experiences that influence what we take in with our senses. Pay special attention to the mental filters you have that may help to distort the original message. For example, "I just know she’s going to blame me again for what happened." If you think you already "know" what’s going to happen based on what past experience has taught you, you will likely respond as though it is fact.

10. Avoid rehearsing your response

If you are rehearsing what you are going to say in response to what you think you are hearing it is impossible for you to be listening!

If these tips seem awkward or hard to do, hang in there. With practice, it will become easier, and it will have a positive impact on all your communication.

Live, Work and Relate Well!

Dr. Todd