Economists from the Federal Reserve’s Center for Behavioral and Economics and Decisionmaking surveyed 437 people asking them whether they’d prefer a small reward now or wait for a larger reward later.  Those who were willing to wait for a larger reward later had credit scores that where 30 points higher, on average, than those who said they’d prefer a smaller immediate payment.  The findings also revealed that the most impatient subjects had average FICO scores below 620 – a commonly used cutoff for prime and subprime lending.

These findings underscore the truth in the old saying, patience is a virtue.  Impatience can wreak havoc in just about every area of our lives.  Our inability to wait or delay gratification often reveals the degree to which we are able to manage our emotions effectively.  If you struggle with impatience it’s well worth the effort to investigate ways in which to improve your ability to monitor and manage your emotions.  Your success may not only result in a higher credit score, but in healthier and more satisfying relationships at home and at work.

To begin getting a better handle on your emotions check out How to Exterminate Mental ANTs.

Live, Work and Relate Well!

Dr. Todd

The servant asked his master to follow him. As they walked down the path to the well, the master noticed that on one side of the path were weeds and dry dirt, but on the other side grew a row of beautiful wild flowers.

The servant told his master that the water that leaked from the cracked pot provided just enough moisture for the wild flowers to grow. If he threw the pot away he would no longer be able to enjoy the brightly colored flowers.

Many times, we feel as though our lives won’t amount to much because of our flaws and failures. The truth is, God has a plan for all of us no matter how imperfect we are. If you ask Him to, He can make something beautiful out of your life!

Live, Work and Relate Well!
Dr. Todd

You know these people pretty well.  They are the aggressive tanks and exploders, the know-it-all, the super-agreeable charmers, the clams and indecisives, the wet blankets and the snipers.  Do you often find yourself not knowing how to respond, cope or live with these individuals? If so, you’re not alone.  Difficult people are often difficult because they fail to follow the social rules that the rest of us follow.  As we mature we learn that it’s not polite to interrupt people, call them names, make jokes at their expense,  dominate conversations or bully people into our way of thinking or behaving.  Difficult people generally ignore these rules and in the process tend to alienate and significantly frustrate those around them.

If you have a difficult person in your life and nothing you have tried seems to help, don’t give up – there is hope.  I have recently created a new resource packed with helpful information and strategies for dealing with difficult people in a very effective way.  If you would like to learn more about this valuable resource and how you can get it at a significantly reduced price along with a bonus audio CD click here.

Remember, you don’t have to be held hostage by the difficult people in your life nor do you have to change jobs or move to a new town to get out of their way.  Take time today to invest in yourself by learning how to master the strategies that will give you the relief and peace of mind you are looking for.

Live, Work and Relate Well!

Dr. Todd

Great accomplishments are often the result of wise decisions that are driven by clear and specific goals. Did you know that when people identify and write out their goals they automatically increase their chances of reaching them by 80%? That’s huge!

Written goals not only increase our chances for success, they also help us make wiser decisions. If we set out for a trip, but haven’t decided where to go it will make deciding whether to turn right or left much more challenging. The same is true for our lives. If we don’t have a plan for what we want to accomplish, decision making will become much more difficult and uncertain.

If you want to make better decisions take the time to identify and write down what you desire to accomplish in each area of your life. Make sure your goals are clearly written, measurable and date-specific, then be willing to review them on a regular basis. If you know where you’re going you’re more likely to get there.

Live, Work and Relate Well!
Dr. Todd

Live, Work and Relate Well!
Dr. Todd

6. Stay Connected to the People You Care About – At the pace of life today it’s so easy to be relationally disconnected. If you opened a savings account and then never added another penny, you wouldn’t earn much interest. The same is true for relationships – the more you invest, the greater the dividend! Make a list of the people you care about most and get connected with a card, phone call, gift, cup of coffee, etc. Do this on a regular basis and watch your emotional bank account soar!

7. Put People Before Things – “Things” like money, possessions and accomplishments can pay the bills, provide entertainment and even result in fame and fortune, but relationships are the source of the purpose, connection and meaning most people crave. Remember, on your death bed you probably won’t be asking to review your portfolio, read your press releases or say good-bye to your Porsche one last time.

8. Care About What Other People Care About – Life offers an unlimited variety of things to care about – political causes, creative pursuits, hobbies, you name it. What a person cares about is often a reflection of who they perceive themselves to be, so as you relate to the people around you, learn all you can about what they care about, and try to understand their passions, convictions and emotions. As you express interest in those things, you’re building bridges to greater closeness.

9. Always Be Ready to Listen – When couples are asked what qualities originally attracted them to their spouse one of the top responses is always, “he/she seemed to enjoy listening to me.” When you listen attentively to another person, they sense that you value them and care about what they have to say. This builds an atmosphere of trust in which the relationship can grow stronger.

10. Be Appropriately Transparent – It’s great to be a good listener, but at times it will be important for you to talk, too. People connect best through common experiences – including strengths and weaknesses, successes and failures. Be open and courageous enough to appropriately share information about yourself and things that are important to you. The genuineness and closeness in your relationships is often directly proportionate to the depth of your own transparency.

Live, Work and Relate Well!
Dr. Todd

1. Like Who You Are – When you can identify and appreciate your gifts, talents and abilities as well as acknowledge and work on your weaknesses – and we all have them – you will be less inclined to compensate for your insecurities by finding fault in others, being self-absorbed and/or overly guarded and defensive. When you like and accept yourself it’s a lot easier to like and accept others – flaws and all.

2. Commit to Developing a Balanced Lifestyle – The imaginary “wheel” of your life is made up of many spokes: finances, friendships, physical heath, career, recreation, spirituality, family, etc. If you’re maintaining some of the spokes but some of the others are missing, bent or broken, your “wheel” is going to be lopsided, and life is likely to be a bumpy ride. Draw your wheel and honestly diagram the spokes listed above, and you’ll see what areas you need to repair in order enjoy a smoother ride. A balanced life will give you more emotional energy for healthy relationships.

3. Maintain a Grateful Attitude – It’s easy to find things to complain about these days – anyone can do that and many do. Try instead to deliberately focus on the people, situations and things that you are grateful for. Your attitude is the gatekeeper for most of the incoming thoughts and information you allow your mind to focus on. Gratefulness creates optimism, which helps you be more positive and gracious when relating with others.

4. Let Go of Bitterness and Practice Forgiveness – It’s been said that bitterness is like drinking poison expecting the other person to die. Bitterness, like arsenic, will make you sick and eventually destroy you. Forgiveness is the antidote that relieves the pain and restores your health. Relinquishing your bitterness (even if the original anger was justified) and forgiving (giving up your desire for revenge) may not be easy, but the benefits to you and your relationships are guaranteed.

5. Live by the “Golden Rule” – To be treated with respect and kindness is like drinking a cool glass of water on a hot day – it’s a refreshing experience! If you appreciate being addressed courteously, receiving a sincere compliment, or being included in a conversation, do the same for others. How you care for people will strongly influence how they care for you in return – so offer that cool glass of water everywhere you go.

It’s amazing to think that every day millions of people in our country spend their most productive hours at a job they wish they could change. Is this because there are very few jobs that are truly satisfying and rewarding? This is no doubt true in some cases, but I believe many people who are unhappy with their work are also discontent with other areas of their life as well.

When a person is discontent they often look to acquire or accomplish things they believe will make them happy. Some people buy things, while others may decide to start a new relationship, move to a new city or try to secure a new job. These are not necessarily bad things to pursue in life; however, it’s important to know that they will never provide the real and lasting contentment people long for.

Real contentment and happiness is not a byproduct of material possessions or “ideal” life circumstances, but rather from what you possess on the inside. It comes from the joy of meaningful relationships with friends, family and God as well as pursuing purposeful work and utilizing your gifts, talents and abilities to serve others.

If you want to experience more contentment and happiness in your life begin the process from the inside out. When you are truly content because of what you possess on the inside, the things on the outside are of less consequence.

Live, Work and Relate Well!
Dr. Todd

The pain and suffering experienced by many people today does not come from uncontrollable circumstances, but rather from bad and unwise decisions. When we respond to life impulsively, impatiently or in a way we think will bring instant satisfaction and pleasure we are likely to make choices that will bring about long-term negative consequences.

In order to make wise decisions, first count the costs. Look ahead and ask how this decision could adversely impact you down the road. Next, seek wise counsel from people you trust, and third, pay attention to logic and reason, but be willing to trust your gut. The bottom line is this: to a great extent, the quality of the life you now live is the sum total of all the decisions you have made – I hope they were good ones!

Live, Work and Relate Well!
Dr. Todd

Did you know that 53.4% of the news on television alone depicts violence, conflict and suffering? The worse the report, the more likely it is to be the lead story because humans are naturally attracted to bad news.

Humans exhibit this attraction to bad news thanks in large part to what is called the negativity bias.  This bias refers to a “psychological phenomenon by which humans pay more attention to and give more weight to negative rather than positive experiences.”  Researchers found that bad news…

• Attracts the pessimistic side of humans
• Distracts us from boredom
• Reminds us that we could have it worse
• Reminds us to be careful and cautious
• Often motivates us to take action

This bias helps humans scan their environment for potential dangers so they can learn how to avoid them, but this attraction to negativity can backfire if we allow it.

The brain reacts to negative stimuli with a greater surge in electrical activity. Due this surge, our perceptions are more strongly influenced by bad news than good news.  In fact, negativity is so powerful that researchers have found that it takes five positive experiences to counter one negative experience.  It’s for this reason, in part, that many people struggle with pessimism, anxiety, discouragement and other symptoms of depression.

If you want to learn how to stay positive in a negative world you must expose yourself to as many positive experiences as you can while minimizing exposure to the negative.

Look at marriage for example.  As long as a couple experiences five times as much positive feeling and interaction than negative, the marriage is likely to be stable over time.  If they are unable to maintain the 5:1 ratio of positivity to negativity conflict is likely to increase while relationship satisfaction will likely decrease.

Knowing that you have a natural bias toward negativity can help you to consciously direct your focus toward the encouraging, motivating and positive influences around you.  If you do you will increase your potential for staying positive in a very negative world.

Live, Work and Relate Well!

Dr. Todd

Most conflicts start when one of the partners speaks up with a concern or complaint.  Too often, the message is delivered in a harsh, critical fashion which increases the likelihood of a negative or retaliatory reaction.  Very quickly, the emotions of both parties begin to overflow the banks of self-control and good judgment.

In an effort to help couples change their destructive pattern of communication I encourage them look at their partner’s complaint, no matter how it is delivered, as an expression of emotional hunger.  If your body doesn’t get the food it needs, you will experience physical hunger and your stomach will growl.  When an emotional need is not met, the “growl” usually occurs in the form of a complaint or criticism. So when your partner whines, gripes, nags or complains they are really asking to be emotionally fed and nourished.

But here’s an unfortunate reality: When I ask couples to describe a recent conflict, I often find that once a complaint has been expressed (translation: “I’m hungry. Please feed me!”) I find that most people ignore their partner’s request and begin feeding themselves instead by defending, blaming and explaining.  Often, they will react with a counter-complaint of their own which conveys the message, “My hunger is more important than yours and your needs don’t matter to me.”  Ouch!

You can see now why it’s so easy to become offended and to quickly ascend the emotional escalator.  After all, your partner is refusing to feed you, and to add insult to injury they feed themselves right in front of you.  That hurts.

Of course the answer becomes obvious – conflict can often be avoided when emotional hunger is fed.  So how do you feed your partner’s need?  I suggest you learn how to RAVE. A RAVE response involves four key ingredients: Reflection, Affection (emotional/physical) Validation and Empathy.

Here’s an example using a somewhat mild complaint. Linda comes home from work and finds that Robert has not started dinner as he promised.  Annoyed, she says to him, “I can’t believe it! You promised to start dinner when you got home and nothing is done. I was really looking forward to coming home to dinner on the stove.”

Typically, instead of giving a RAVE response, Robert would ignore Linda’s hunger and feed himself by snapping back, “What do you expect, I just walked in the door two minutes before you!  Besides, it’s no big deal; how long can it take to warm up the leftover mac & cheese?  Get over it.”  He might even choose to tell Linda just how emotionally hungry he is by adding, “What about the promise you made to me last night when you said we would have some ‘alone’ time but it never happened?”  You can see how destructive these responses might be.

Even if Robert had a good reason for not starting dinner before Linda got home he would be wise to hold off on sharing it until her emotional hunger is fed.

What do you think would happen if Robert’s response went something like this? Reflection: “I did promise to start dinner when I got home and I didn’t do it. I’m sure you were counting on having dinner already on the stove.”  Affection:  “I love you and I want to keep my promises to you.”  Validation: “I don’t blame you for being upset.”  Empathy: “I think I would be disappointed and frustrated too.”  At this point it would also help to feed Linda’s emotional hunger by saying something like, “I’m sorry.  Go ahead and relax and I will get dinner started right away.”

Now, be honest, if your spouse gave you a RAVE response wouldn’t it reduce the likelihood of the conversation turning in to an all out conflict? Of course it would – and it’s because your emotional hunger was satisfied.

You certainly don’t have to use the RAVE response every time a complaint is expressed because many small irritations don’t represent a significant hunger pang.  Sometimes we all just need to allow one another to vent frustrations.  But if you make an effort to read between the lines to discover your partner’s unspoken need, you will develop the ability to sense if your partner has been seriously offended.  If your spouse is clearly upset the RAVE response has the potential to nourish and satisfy both of you very well.  Bon appétit!

Live, Work and Relate Well!

Dr. Todd

Thankfully, you will likely never poison your family pet, but did you know it’s possible to poison yourself and your relationships without even being aware of it?  Nearly every day I talk to men and women who are either engaged in or hurt by behaviors that are a form of relational poisoning.  Today, I want to address the relational poison of gossip.

You would be hard pressed to spend a day in any office building and not be exposed to some form of gossip.  Gossip involves the spreading of rumors or information about others.  Although there can be sociological benefits associated with some forms of gossip, today I want to address the epidemic problems associated specifically with malicious gossip.

Think of the number of famous people you have heard about in the news who report having had their reputations and lives seriously injured by malicious gossip.  The numbers are staggering and the damage done often irreparable.

Although the person sharing malicious gossip may attract people who take delight in hearing about the misfortune or bad choices of others (whether true or not) they are often oblivious to the fact that their credibility, trustworthiness and character are being seriously undermined.

As a gossip, you will never experience the depth of intimacy with others that you really desire because people soon learn that you cannot be trusted.  In the absence of trust there can be no intimacy.

The malicious gossip carrier often lies, distorts or embellishes the truth or breaks confidences in an effort to gain attention, hurt another person or make himself look and feel better.  From a psychological perspective, malicious gossip is often a byproduct of immaturity and insecurity.

The gossip has an underlying need to feel superior in order to counter deep feelings of inferiority and inadequacy, and as long as they continue to engage in this self-defeating behavior they will undermine the healthy development of their legitimate psychological and emotional needs.

If you have developed the habit of gossip and you want to change, don’t despair – there is hope.  Changing your behavior begins with understanding just how destructive or poisonous it really is and then making the decision to do something about it.  Once you successfully direct your attention to your unmet needs and insecurities you will no longer feel compelled to resort to unhealthy patterns of behavior and your confidence and relationship satisfaction will significantly increase.

If you are serious about wanting to stop ingesting and spreading the poison of gossip I recommend that you read the book “Gossip: Ten Pathways to Eliminate It from Your Life and Transform Your Soul” by Lori Palatnik.

Live, Work and Relate Well!

Dr. Todd

When responses from the survey for both men and women were combined, regrets involving romance were the most common (18.1%), followed by family (15.9%), education (13.1%), career (12.2%), finance (9.9%), and parenting (9%).

Everyone has regrets.  Sadly, millions of people are held captive by the guilt and shame that often accompanies regret because they don’t know how to let it go.  If you struggle with the pain of regret read my article on Real Change: Letting Go of Regret.

Live, Work and Relate Well!

Dr. Todd

Source: Regrets of the Typical American: Findings From a Nationally Representative Sample

1. Avoid written communication when your emotions are involved. Talk to the person face-to-face.

2. Use written communication (e.g., e-mail) for conveying factual information or for asking questions.

3. When you receive a communication that triggers an emotional response give yourself plenty of time before you respond to the person.

4. Writing down your immediate thoughts and feelings can help you diffuse your emotions and help you to respond in a more rational, caring and constructive fashion.

5. Fight the temptation to immediately involve others in situations that make you hurt, angry or upset. When you do have a need to talk with someone, go to your supervisor first. If he or she is unavailable, call a friend or family member outside of work for a listening ear.

6. Communicate important details in writing and avoid hallway communication.

7. When involved in meetings, state your purpose at the beginning and stay on track. Always follow your meetings up with minutes or at least a brief summary of what was discussed and/or agreed upon.

8. Avoid blurting – the tendency to share thoughts and ideas “off the top of your head” or during a time that was not previously scheduled.

9. Always clarify for others what you have heard them say.

10. When you sense someone is bothered or upset with you don’t ignore it, check-it-out.

Live, Work and Relate Well!

Dr. Todd

These painful emotions are what often stand in the way of a person’s personal and professional success in life.  Negative emotion can deplete you of energy and motivation, take away your joy and enthusiasm and keep you from pursuing positive goals for your life.

In order to begin getting the upper hand on negative emotion, it is imperative that you possess an understanding of its underlying root causes.  Here is a brief summary of four factors that often fuel negative feelings.

1. Justification

When you engage in justification you are consistently feeding yourself information that serves to reinforce your negative feelings.  You tell yourself that you are entitled to feel the way you do and consistently rehearse the explanations or reasons for why you are experiencing emotional pain.  If you learn to stop justifying your negative emotions you will stop experience them.  Learn to redirect your mental focus away from the self-defeating excuses you give yourself for staying stuck in your pain.

2. Rationalization

Rationalization involves creating socially acceptable explanations for actions that are socially unacceptable.  You rationalize to put a positive spin on something you have done that you feel guilty or bad about.  Rationalization keeps you from taking responsibility for your feelings and actions thus convincing you that you have nothing to change.  Rationalizing keeps negative emotion alive by permitting you to see yourself as the victim and everyone else as the bad guy.  Until you stop rationalizing you will continue to be more vulnerable to negative emotion.

3. Hypersensitivity

When you are overly concerned or hypersensitive to how people treat you, you are allowing your self-image to be influenced by how others speak to you or treat you.  In other words, you will have little sense of self-worth or value apart from the opinions you believe others have of you.  Whenever you experience disapproval or rejection it will trigger strong negative emotions associated with insecurity, inferiority and inadequacy.  It is imperative that you understand that your self-worth and value is already established apart from what other’s think about you or how they treat you.  They can only influence your feelings of worth and value if you choose to give them power that does not belong to them.

4. Blame

The strongest source of prolonged negative emotion is the habit of blame.  When you blame others for how you feel you relinquish control of your emotions.  As long as your focus is directed toward how you have been mistreated or how bad your circumstances are you will fail to free yourself from your emotional prison.

The sooner you change your orientation from the past to the future you will open up a reservoir of positive possibilities that will fuel joy, enthusiasm and optimism.  Remember, all blame is a waste of time and will only keep you from reaching your goals.

Every person possesses the power to free themselves from negative emotion.  It requires a conscious choice and willingness to cultivate new habits of thinking and behaving.  If you are ready to invest the time and effort into the process you will begin moving toward greater satisfaction and fulfillment in life.

Live, Work and Relate Well!

Dr. Todd

How you choose to respond to your anger will make a difference in the quality of your relationships, your physical and emotional well being and your effectiveness in bringing about positive and constructive change in your life. Here is a list of practical tips you can use to help manage your anger more effectively.

1. Understand What Anger Is

Anger is a natural, God-designed emotional and physiological response to negative or threatening circumstances in life. When you believe that you have been treated unfairly or harshly, or when you experience frustration associated with an unmet need or goal, your mind and body prepare for action. It is this emotional and physiological response that we call anger. Anger has the potential to help us protect ourselves or others and can serve as a catalyst to bring about needed change. However, its relative value is largely determined by how we choose to respond to it. Anger is referred to as a “secondary emotion”. This simply means that it is an extension of the primary emotion of frustration.

Everyone experiences some degree of frustration on a daily basis whether associated with not being able to fit into your favorite blue jeans or the person who just pulled out in front of you on the road. The good news is that most people can keep their frustration from escalating into anger, but for some it’s not so easy.

Hurt and fear are two other primary emotions that often accompany anger. Anger is often experienced and intensified when these other emotions are minimized or ignored. Consequently, effective anger management involves learning how to identify and express hurt and fear in a healthy fashion. [Keep in mind that the goal is not necessarily to eliminate anger, but rather to process and express it constructively.]

2. Control Your Initial Response

The emotional and physical response triggered by a real or perceived offense or threat typically gives way to feelings of anger that can range from mild agitation to violent rage. The greater the sense of hurt, fear and frustration, the greater the intensity of your anger. It is always important to remember that your initial or “automatic” response to anger may not be the most constructive. You need to pay attention to your words and actions so that they don’t become a damaging expression of your pain.

Postponing your angry reaction by as little as ten to twenty seconds can mean the difference between a good and bad outcome. During this time you will want to take several deep breaths and consciously tell yourself to “slow down” and to “respond” instead of “react”. A response is characterized by thinking before you act, considering how your action will impact others, and imagining a positive outcome. A reaction is “knee jerk” in nature and evidenced by thoughtless action with little concern for the outcome except to relieve the tension brought on by the anger.
It’s important to note that recent research challenges the once widely held belief in the value of letting one’s anger out through the release of physical energy, e.g., hitting a pillow or pushing a tree. It is now believed that this form of “catharsis” can actually reinforce the expression of hostility and aggression, which may increase the likelihood of a similar and even more intense reaction in the future.

3. Acknowledge Your Anger and Its Source

Go ahead and say it: “I am very angry for being falsely accused, for being criticized, for being treated poorly or unfairly, for experiencing fear or hurt, etc.” Admitting to yourself, and, at times, to those around you, that you are feeling angry is one of the keys to managing your emotion.

Simply saying out loud that you are angry can help decrease the intensity of your feelings. When we fail to acknowledge our anger we run the risk of holding it in until it overflows or begins to destroy us physically, spiritually and emotionally. Keep in mind that feelings that are buried alive do not die!

4. Tell Yourself the Truth

Here are some objective facts to remember when feeling angry:

“I have been seriously and unjustly treated or hurt. To feel angry about that is normal, but to control my response is in my best interest.”

“To respond to my anger irrationally or aggressively will not serve any positive purpose and could actually create greater pain and problems for myself and others.”

“When I choose to ignore or stuff my anger now I run the risk of acting it out later which will likely hurt myself and others in the process.”

“I am only responsible for how I express my anger, not for how someone may choose to react to it.”

Practicing rational self-talk is critically important to managing anger well. Following an angry reaction, make an effort to identify and examine the self-talk you engaged in while acting out your anger. Common irrational and destructive beliefs may include:

“No one is going to treat me that way and get away with it.”

“The only way to really get someone to change or to understand what you want is by getting really angry at them.”

“People will think they can take advantage of me if I don’t express my anger toward them.”

“If I don’t get angry they will think I’m weak or try to control me.”

5. Limit Your Exposure to the Things That Trigger Your Anger

Repeated exposure to stressful images, thoughts and situations can intensify your emotional response. If you find that your anger escalates when you watch the news, read the newspaper or talk about an offense or injustice with a friend or co-worker, then you may need to significantly reduce or eliminate these activities.

The same holds true if you are exposed to someone who intentionally, or unintentionally – we’ll give them the benefit of the doubt for now – provokes you by being critical, blaming or mean. The best thing you can do is respectfully excuse yourself from the situation and only reengage when cooler heads prevail – especially yours. Finding alternative activities to engage in when frustrated or angry like exercising, calling a friend, reading a book, playing with your children, working around the house, or watching a funny movie can give you the break you need to avoid an emotional reaction and regain a healthy perspective.

6. Take Constructive Action

Effective anger management often includes engaging in constructive and creative forms of expression. Here are some examples of how you may want to respond to your anger.

• Identify the specifics of what you are angry about in order to prevent your anger from being displaced onto other issues and/or people.
• Regularly practice relaxation techniques.
• Refrain from reliving the experience and intensifying the emotion.
• Don’t exaggerate the incident, stay rational.
• Express the emotions that often accompany anger, i.e., hurt, fear, sadness.
• Explore options related to problem solving. If your anger is related to an ongoing frustration or irritation take time to consider possible solutions to resolving the problem.
• Rehearse your response and focus on staying in control, speaking calmly and maintaining a slower pace of speech.
• Think before you speak and listen carefully.
• Use humor to diffuse your anger.
• Make sure that the timing is right for expressing your thoughts and feelings about an issue.
• Talk openly and honestly with friends, family and co-workers and make sure that the important ingredients of constructive dialogue are included.

One way to enhance your communication with others when it involves difficult issues or painful emotions is to use a communication template. The one outlined below involves the use of five simple sentences that will help you stay focused.

”When you…” – Make sure you stay objective at this point only stating the facts of the situation not your interpretation of them.

”I feel…” – Keep in mind that you must identify “feelings” at this point not simply more thoughts disguised by the words “I feel”. Pay special attention to the temptation to use the phrase, “I feel that…” – you can’t feel that.

”And then I…” – Here is your opportunity to describe your thoughts and actions associated with the situation. This will give others a window of understanding into how their actions impact you and why.

”What I need is…” – Don’t be shy about sharing your needs, wants and desires. People tend to complain about what they don’t want, but stop short of clearly identifying what they do want. Expressing your needs in this way can open up a dialogue about expectations that can either lead to agreement or the need for modification.

”What I’m willing to do is…” – This statement will give you the opportunity to communicate to the other person that moving forward in the relationship is not all about what they can do or change, but rather that it involves responsibility on your part as well.

Example:

“When you arrive home an hour later than you say you will I feel fearful, angry and disappointed. And then I think you don’t care about me or our family and that you are inconsiderate. What I need is for you to come home closer to the time you say you will or for you to let me know that your plans have changed and why. What I’m willing to do is to be more understanding of your situation at work and to be more supportive of those times when things don’t work out like you thought they would.”

At first you will likely feel awkward and clumsy when using this form of dialogue, but in time it will become a natural way for you to communicate and an important part of your overall emotional management strategy.

7. Forgive the Offender

If the offense you have suffered is personal, unfair and deeply painful it is in your best interest to ultimately forgive the offender. Unfortunately, forgiveness is usually not what you want to think about when you have been mistreated and deeply hurt. Instead, you are likely to be more focused on some form of retaliation.

Unforgiveness often leads to bitterness and resentment, which means you will personally suffer more than you need to. It has been said that holding on to bitterness is analogous to you drinking poison expecting the other person to die.

A decision to not forgive your offender actually gives them power to continue hurting you long after the offense has been committed. Forgiveness is not easy, but it’s very necessary for your own well being. A great book on the topic of forgiveness is “Forgive and Forget” by Lewis Smedes. It not only helps the reader understand the importance and value of forgiveness, but it provides assistance in walking you through the process.

Anger is not always easy to control, however, if you are willing to be honest with yourself and intentional about engaging in the process of change, you can be successful!

Live, Work and Relate Well!

Dr. Todd

Q: What do you think is one of the most common complaints expressed in the workplace today?

A: The habit of NOT LISTENING. (Perhaps the title was a good clue!) Poor listening is considered one of the most rude of all office behaviors. After all, the messages you send, whether intended or not, come across loud and clear when you don’t listen or pay attention:

• I don’t care about you.
• I don’t understand you.
• You’re wrong.
• What you have to say isn’t important.
• You’re wasting my time.

Most people don’t realize just how powerful listening can be, and they often miss out on its valuable benefits.

What about you? When someone talks to you at work, are you really attentive? I’m not talking about merely hearing the sound of their words, but truly paying close attention to body language, facial expressions and tone of voice. Real listening, the type that produces accurate understanding and empathy, often involves the availability of all of your senses.

The power of listening lies in the positive impact it has on your relationships. If not listening produces the negative perceptions listed earlier, consider what effective listening skills convey:

• I care about you and accept you as a person.
• I am interested in what you have to say and want to understand.
• I respect your point of view, whether I agree or not.
• Your comment or opinion deserves consideration.
• I value your input and contribution.

When these messages are consistently expressed to your co-workers, supervisors, subordinates and customers, you develop what I call the Relational Advantage.

When you exercise your Relational Advantage, you’ll discover it usually results in greater cooperation, respect, trust, patience, tolerance of mistakes, helpfulness, collaboration, loyalty and performance. All of these benefits ultimately lead to less conflict, better teamwork and superior business outcomes – including profitability!

Live, Work and Relate Well!

Dr. Todd

~Erma Bombeck

Happy Independence Day!

Live, Work and Relate Well!

Dr. Todd

Many couples experience a lack of intimacy in their marriages because of the negative emotions they harbor toward their spouse.  I once counseled a woman who would not let go of the anger she felt toward her husband because of a mistake he made in their marriage over 40 years ago.  She chose to live a miserable life rather than to forgive him.

You may be wondering what has happened to the joy and closeness you once shared in your marriage.  Is it possible that you are holding on to bitterness and resentment toward your spouse because you have felt abandoned or betrayed? Perhaps it is time to let go, forgive and move forward.

When you choose to release yourself from the bondage of unforgiveness, your heart and mind are once again open to giving and receiving love.

Live, Work and Relate Well!

Dr. Todd

If you have a problem with a co-worker and you’re growing weary, don’t despair.  Although you can’t guarantee cooperation from the other party, there are some practical things you can do in an effort to turn the relationship around.  Review the tips below to see how you can confront bad work relationships.

1.  Take a good look at your own attitude and behavior first.

Before you complain or point a finger at your co-worker, take an honest look at how you might be contributing to the problem.  Are you letting your feelings make you snappy, over-sensitive, jealous or uncooperative?  Addressing your own negative attitude or behavior can often help decrease the distress brought on by the bad relationship and help you to address the only thing you really have control over – you!

2.  Stop the negative talk about your co-worker.

If you keep talking about the person you have a problem with you run the risk of being labeled as a whiner, complainer or troublemaker.  Gossip or other talk that criticizes or belittles your co-worker also has a way of coming back around and biting you where it hurts.  Take the high road and resist the temptation to spread the problem around the office.

3.  Keep your emotions in check.

Overreacting to a problem often results in a loss of your credibility and can diminish the significance of your complaint.  Make sure you are maintaining emotional balance in your own life by not allowing your frustration to turn into anger and your anger into bitterness.  Use a spouse or friend’s listening ear to help you blow off steam if necessary, but when confronting the problem at work, do your best to keep your cool.

4.  Stop avoiding your co-worker and confront them privately.

Ignoring or avoiding the problem is not likely to make it go away.  Talk to your co-worker about your concern making sure to use “I” messages in order to convey your willingness to take responsibility for your thoughts and feelings.  (“I feel frustrated when your late reports hold up our deadlines” is better than, “You are always late with your reports.”)  If you are successful in resolving the issue, make sure to follow-up with your co-worker after a couple of weeks in order for both of you to know where things stand.

5.  Attempt to understand your co-worker’s perspective.

Conflicts often occur when two people simply don’t see things the same way.  So whenever you have a relationship problem, make a sincere attempt to look at the situation from the other person’s point of view.  Hearing them out and asking them to clarify whatever you don’t understand can go a long way in keeping healthy dialogue alive.

6.  Let go of resentment and give your co-worker another chance.

If your co-worker is willing to address their role in the relationship problem, don’t hold their past behavior over their head.  Letting go of (or forgiving) an offense literally involves a willingness on your part to act as if the incident never occurred.  That doesn’t mean you will forget or that it won’t take time to rebuild trust, but in the meantime you won’t be harboring thoughts and feelings that could undermine the relationship in the future.

7.  Carefully rally the support of others.

If your co-worker is unwilling to address your individual concerns, they may be more persuaded by several people expressing the same complaint.  Turning a one-on-one confrontation to a group intervention can sometimes bring about positive results.  If you opt to go in this direction, however, be very careful to only involve the people who share your concern, have first-hand knowledge of the circumstances and who can be trusted to handle the matter discreetly and appropriately.

8.  If your best efforts are met with resistance or indifference, you may have no better option than to try staying out of their way or physically moving.

If your co-worker opts to ignore your concerns it may be appropriate to steer clear of them.  Keeping your distance while maintaining a positive attitude about the relationship may be a reasonable solution to a difficult situation.  If possible, you may want to request a transfer to a different work space or another department.

9.  If the tension and problem grows, involve a corporate third party.

Sometimes it’s not possible to bring about change on your own or even with the help of peers.  If this is the case, turn to others in the organization who may be able to look at the situation more objectively and, if necessary, utilize resources and consequences that will ultimately resolve the problem.  In many cases, this will involve supervisory personnel or the Human Resources office.  If you must report a relationship issue that’s affecting your workplace, make sure you stick to the facts and explain your situation as objectively as possible.

10.  If all else fails, move on.

If in good faith you have done your best to resolve a bad relationship problem and the steps outlined above have failed to work, it may be time to find a new job.  Some work environments are known for enabling or simply ignoring problematic relationships and may never offer the assistance needed to resolve your complaint.  If this is true of your employer, the unhealthy cycle is not likely to change, so the best solution may be to move on before the problem gets worse.  It’s always better to leave on good terms in case you need a recommendation for your next employer.

Live, Work and Relate Well!

Dr. Todd

1. Harsh words and a critical or dismissive tone of voice

2. Impatience with the kids and the inability to balance discipline with fun and affection

3. Disinterest in meaningful conversation and pretending to listen

4. Unwillingness to consistently share domestic responsibilities

5. Physical touch that always turns sexual

6. Derogatory remarks or “jokes” about her appearance, behavior or personality

7. Flattering comments about another woman’s physical appearance

8. Doing a “double take” to look at another woman

9. Not acknowledging and valuing her contribution to the family

10. Communicating a lack of commitment to the marriage and family

Guys, whether you think these things seem like a big deal or not, I can guarantee that the woman in your life knows they are! If you want your wife to feel warm, responsive and affectionate toward you, her basic need for being cherished, appreciated, accepted and respected must be met.

As you review the list of things not to do above, consider what you can do instead to reverse negative behaviors that might be cooling your wife’s passion. Genuine compliments, sincere praise, unwavering commitment and cheerful participation in family responsibilities can be very effective kindling to start the home fires glowing again.

Live, Work and Relate Well!

Dr. Todd

But one of the biggest challenges in many relationships is the difficulty some people have with being able or willing to trust someone who is truly trustworthy.  These are often men or women who have been hurt or taken advantage of by important people in their lives, resulting in a conditioned response of suspicion and fear.  Sadly, this virtually guarantees that intimacy will suffer significantly.  The absence of both trust and intimacy can often give way to a vicious cycle of conflict, abuse and isolation.

If your capacity to trust others is limited because of the insecurity and vulnerability created by abuse, keep in mind that there is hope.  The trauma of abuse frequently triggers the development of irrational beliefs about yourself, your future and the world you live in.  Some of the more common irrational beliefs are related to the false notion that you are not strong enough to avoid being harmed or hurt again, that you lack the ability to discern who is trustworthy or that the world is a dangerous place and no one is to be trusted under any circumstances.

In an effort to help you begin the process of healing and trusting again I want to encourage you to focus on four key statements that represent the truth about you.  Meditate on these thoughts every day whether you can fully agree with them or not.  In time, they will begin to take hold and help to give you the courage to trust.

1.      “I choose to trust again because I want to experience real intimacy in my relationships and to stop being held captive by the lies I have accepted about myself.”

2.      “When I get hurt I know I can survive and even thrive because my worth, value and significance comes from within me rather than from what others think about me or how they treat me.”

3.      “I will continue to learn how to improve my ability to choose healthy people to be in relationship with and how to set appropriate boundaries for myself.”

4.      “Certain people in this world are unsafe and I will learn to avoid them.  There are also many people in this world who are caring, loving and trustworthy.  I do not have to be afraid – only wise, discerning and secure in knowing who I really am.”

As you rehearse these statements every day they will begin to silence the irrational beliefs that hold you captive and inhibit you from experiencing the real intimacy and love you desire.   Remember to be patient because the process takes time.  As your new beliefs strengthen you will find yourself starting to take greater risks in your relationships and your fear and insecurity diminish.

To learn more about how to trust again I recommend that you read the book, The Courage to Trust: A Guide to Building Deep and Lasting Relationships” by Cynthia L. Wall.

Live, Work and Relate Well!

Dr. Todd

As I skimmed the list of ingredients I thought to myself, “Nope, we don’t have that one, or enough of this one. We have something similar to this one, but it’s not exactly what the recipe calls for.” Instead of taking the time to go to the store for the correct items, I decided to improvise. I substituted several ingredients, skimped on a couple of others and left another out completely.

Although I did manage to put the ingredients in the correct size pan and bake it at the right temperature for the precise amount of time, when the buzzer went off and I took the pan out of the oven I discovered that my dish didn’t look anything like the picture in the cookbook.

I decided not to worry about the appearance of the dish because, after all, they pay photographers great sums of money to dress up food to make it look as irresistible as possible, right? I was confident that my creation would taste just as good regardless of what it looked like.

When my family and I sat finally down to eat it didn’t take long to realize that the way my dish looked was a real accurate indicator of what it would taste like. Now, it wasn’t exactly cardboard flavored, but it wasn’t much better. To make matters worse, my wife had the gall to ask me if I had followed the recipe. I didn’t answer her question – I just kept eating and acting like I was enjoying the meal even though I didn’t fool anyone.

I was reminded of an important lesson that day: Relationships are a lot like recipes; if you don’t properly apply the essential ingredients on a consistent basis you will end up with a very distasteful result.

When it comes to developing good relationships with your spouse, kids or friends you don’t want to be lazy, careless or insensitive by taking short-cuts or leaving out the ingredients that enhance the quality. Consistently mix in generous measures of respect, kindness, forgiveness, compassion, empathy, patience and time, and just a pinch of honest opinion, constructive suggestions and appropriate discipline.  When all of these ingredients are sifted through unconditional love and spiced with humor, your relationships will be satisfying, appealing and will keep you coming back for more.

Life, Work and Relate Well!

Dr. Todd

The couple admitted that the majority of their conversations were filled with sarcasm, criticism and other negative forms of communication and neither one could stand the hurt and anger any longer.

I suggested a challenge: Refrain from all negative comments and interactions for two weeks.  The plan was that if they started to argue or fight, one or both needed to call a time out until they could cool down.  They both agreed to try.

Two weeks later both reported they had reduced their negative comments and conflict by at least 75 percent.  They were pleased with the change – especially for their children – but they didn’t really feel any differently about each other.  I wasn’t surprised.  After all, one could hardly expect the loving feelings to return after just two weeks; but the relational environment was being prepared for improvement.

Over the next few months I encouraged the couple to continue resisting negative comments and destructive arguments, and to also consciously begin expressing positive words in the form of compliments and affirmation several times per day.

By the end of four months the couple’s level of marital satisfaction went from a two and a three respectively to solid eights.  It wasn’t that they had resolved all of their disagreements because they didn’t.  Nor did they eliminate all of their annoying behaviors or acquire all new positive behaviors.  But they had come from the brink of divorce to actually enjoying being together!

The key for this couple – and for most couples – is that they learned how to plug the gaping holes in their emotional gas tanks by significantly decreasing the negativity and consciously refueling with life giving words of encouragement and affirmation.

When a person’s emotional tank is depleted they are in pain, which makes it extremely difficult to demonstrate love and respect by accepting the differences and extending grace and forgiveness to another person – especially if that person is the one draining the tank.

If you are in pain due to an empty emotional tank and your level of conflict or isolation is increasing, I challenge you to begin plugging the hole today by eliminating negativity from your communication.  Next, give your partner a sincere compliment or genuine expression of appreciation three to four times per day.  If you take this challenge I can guarantee that in time you will both begin to feel more energized and committed once again to nurturing your marriage.

Remember, there is tremendous power in your words – power to fill and energize as well as power to drain and deplete.  Which kind of marriage will you choose?

Live, Work and Relate Well!

Dr. Todd

I saw a sign in an office that read “The floggings will continue until morale improves.” The irony makes us laugh because it’s so obvious that it won’t work. You can’t get positive responses from people with negative strategies. Your teenager won’t wipe a scowl off his face if you yell at him to smile. Your spouse won’t respond if you criticize and demand more affection. And, your co-worker won’t offer assistance or cooperation if you threaten them.

What does work is communicating positive messages – words of encouragement and affirmation that tell your teen that he’s valuable to you, hugs that let your spouse know that you care, or an attitude of teamwork that tells your co-worker cooperation is a two-way street. Simply acting in a positive and encouraging way toward another person will make a big difference in the way they respond to you.

To bring out the best in others, remember that you reap what you sow. Choose today to sow seeds of kindness and respect and you will reap a harvest of cooperation and positive attitudes.

Live, Work and Relate Well!

Dr. Todd

As annoyed as you may feel, try to remember that the grumbling is an expression of pain. Even if it seems unimportant, or if it’s the complainer’s own fault, the pain is real to them. Kindly tell the person how much time you can spend with them, and then do your best to compassionately respond knowing that your words may be the only source of encouragement they receive that day. You might simply say, “I’m so sorry that you are really having a difficult time. Can I do anything for you?”

It can also be helpful to ask the complainer questions such as, “Given the challenges you just described how do you plan to respond or what do you plan to do about it.” Helping the complainer redirect their thoughts toward a solution focused mindset may help them to become more proactive in dealing with their problems and can help you feel less annoyed.

It can also be very appropriate to tell the complainer what you think about their pattern of complaining, especially if you have a close relationship with them. For example, “I really care about how you feel. You do have some very real challenges in your life. Sometimes it is hard for me to listen to you because it seems as though your attention is often drawn to real or potential problems in your life rather than to the things that are going well or what you are doing to effectively deal with your problems.” You might not receive a pleasant response from the complainer, but the goal in any healthy relationship is to be appropriately open, honest and direct not to just say things that you think will please or appease.

People need to feel understood, and we all need a little extra kindness at times. Taking a few minutes to listen, as well as be open and direct, won’t cost you that much, and it could make a big difference to a person in pain.

Live, Work and Relate Well!

Dr. Todd

Some days you go through the motions of your daily routine, wondering why you bother going to the same old job doing the same old things. Or you can’t remember why it’s important to prepare meals and wash dishes and laundry day after day.

So think of those routine tasks as investing. Investing in the people you touch as you hang in there through the long days at work or investing in growing a healthy family one day at a time. You and the people you affect each day will make a difference – for good or bad – so your example is powerful.

When you reap the benefits of a good reputation at work or the blessing of kids who love to bring their friends home, you’ll realize it was all worth it!

Live, Work and Relate Well!

Dr. Todd

We all know certain types of people we prefer not to spend a lot of time with. For me, it’s the person who possesses a pessimistic attitude. You know the type; they look like they just ate a lemon and every time you come up with a new idea they give you five reasons for why it won’t work.

I much prefer to be around optimistic people. Those individuals who tend to find the good in others and believe that problems are no more than opportunities in disguise. We know from research that optimistic people tend to live longer, have fewer illnesses, have stronger and more satisfying relationships and are less likely to grow discouraged in the face of adversity.

Furthermore, in a large-scale longitudinal study, Dr. Martin Seligman discovered that optimistic politicians win more elections, optimistic students get better grades, optimistic athletes win more contests and optimistic salespeople make more money.

Many people believe that a person’s level of optimism is directly related to their personality type or temperament. To a point, that may be true. But optimism can also be learned because it is a cognitive skill.

When something bad happens tell yourself that it won’t last long, look to see what isn’t negatively affected, and don’t engage in self-blame. When good things happen tell yourself that its effects are permanent, see how much of your life is positively affected and be willing to give yourself credit when it is deserved.

Live, Work and Relate Well!

Dr. Todd

One of the most challenging people in life is the Critic – the person with the “gift” of spotting a flaw a mile away. Whether it’s your spouse, your boss or your parent, here are some tips for getting along with the critic in your life.

1. Try and learn from the criticism. It may be annoying, but you may hear something that could actually help you.

2. Work at not taking the criticism personally. Remember that the critic’s remark reveals more about them than you.

3. Be willing to tell the critic in your life what you think and feel about their behavior. Confronting a difficult problem is often the first step in the process of solving it.

4. Fight the urge to always please your critic. In most cases, the critic won’t be pleased anyway.

Some people are just naturally more critical than others, but you can choose not to allow them to control your life. Be yourself, do the best you can, and resist the impulse to blame yourself.

Live, Work and Relate Well!

Dr. Todd

The first key to improving communication with your teenager is to stop lecturing. If you give long explanations in order to help them see your point of view, you might as well be talking to a wall. When talking to your teen, pause often as you share your thoughts, and wait for their feedback. If they are uncooperative, take a break until they’re ready to talk about the issue at a specific time later on. And always keep your voice low.

Teens will often repeat their point of view in hopes that you will give in and change your mind, so the second key to improving communication is refusing to argue. When you both have had a chance to state your opinions and rationale, make your decision and end the discussion. Even if your teen continues talking, refuse to say even one more word. If they persist, calmly revoke some of their privileges. It is important to remember that, while you need to stand your ground, you don’t have to have the last word!

Live, Work and Relate Well!

Dr. Todd

Parents need to teach their children that their behavior can bring about unpleasant consequences. Learning this lesson can help them think about their actions ahead of time, resulting in better decision making. However, parents also need to help their children learn how to effectively solve the problems that many times lead to their misbehavior. For example, instead of just telling your children they can’t watch television because they are fighting over which program to watch, ask them to come up with ideas that will solve that reoccurring problem. For instance, on alternating days they can each choose the programs they want to watch.

We know that consequences alone are not always enough to change problem behavior. But when we learn to appropriately solve a problem the likelihood of misbehavior is greatly reduced. When you teach your children the art of problem solving you are giving them a tool that can literally mean the difference between success and failure in their lives.

Live, Work and Relate Well!

Dr. Todd