RAVE: Guaranteed to Reduce Conflict
When a couple comes to my office to work on their marriage, the most often identified counseling goal involves learning how to decrease conflict and improve communication. There are many reasons for why destructive conflict occurs in marriage, but there is really only one effective way to consistently decrease it. Most conflicts start when one of the partners speaks up with a concern or complaint. Too often, the message is delivered in a harsh, critical fashion which increases the likelihood of a negative or retaliatory reaction. Very quickly, the emotions of both parties begin to overflow the banks of self-control and good judgment. In an effort to help couples change their destructive pattern of communication I encourage them look at their partner’s complaint, no matter how it is delivered, as an expression of emotional hunger. If your body doesn’t get the food it needs, you will experience physical hunger and your stomach will growl. When an emotional need is not met, the “growl” usually occurs in the form of a complaint or criticism. So when your partner whines, gripes, nags or complains they are really asking to be emotionally fed and nourished. But here’s an unfortunate reality: When I ask couples to describe a recent conflict, I often find that once a complaint has been expressed (translation: “I’m hungry. Please feed me!”) I find that most people ignore their partner’s request and begin feeding themselves instead by defending, blaming and explaining. Often, they will react with a counter-complaint of their own which conveys the message, “My hunger is more important than yours and your needs don’t matter to me.” Ouch! You can see now why it’s so easy to become offended and to quickly ascend the emotional escalator. After all, your partner is refusing to feed you, and to add insult to injury they feed themselves right in front of you. That hurts. Of course the answer becomes obvious – conflict can often be avoided when emotional hunger is fed. So how do you feed your partner’s need? I suggest you learn how to RAVE. A RAVE response involves four key ingredients: Reflection, Affection (emotional/physical) Validation and Empathy. Here’s an example using a somewhat mild complaint. Linda comes home from work and finds that Robert has not started dinner as he promised. Annoyed, she says to him, “I can’t believe it! You promised to start dinner when you got home and nothing is done. I was really looking forward to coming home to dinner on the stove.” Typically, instead of giving a RAVE response, Robert would ignore Linda’s hunger and feed himself by snapping back, “What do you expect, I just walked in the door two minutes before you! Besides, it’s no big deal; how long can it take to warm up the leftover mac & cheese? Get over it.” He might even choose to tell Linda just how emotionally hungry he is by adding, “What about the promise you made to me last night when you said we would have some ‘alone’ time but it never happened?” You can see how destructive these responses might be. Even if Robert had a good reason for not starting dinner before Linda got home he would be wise to hold off on sharing it until her emotional hunger is fed. What do you think would happen if Robert’s response went something like this? Reflection: “I did promise to start dinner when I got home and I didn’t do it. I’m sure you were counting on having dinner already on the stove.” Affection: "I love you and I want to keep my promises to you." Validation: “I don’t blame you for being upset.” Empathy: “I think I would be disappointed and frustrated too.” At this point it would also help to feed Linda’s emotional hunger by saying something like, “I’m sorry. Go ahead and relax and I will get dinner started right away.” Now, be honest, if your spouse gave you a RAVE response wouldn’t it reduce the likelihood of the conversation turning in to an all out conflict? Of course it would – and it’s because your emotional hunger was satisfied. You certainly don’t have to use the RAVE response every time a complaint is expressed because many small irritations don’t represent a significant hunger pang. Sometimes we all just need to allow one another to vent frustrations. But if you make an effort to read between the lines to discover your partner’s unspoken need, you will develop the ability to sense if your partner has been seriously offended. If your spouse is clearly upset the RAVE response has the potential to nourish and satisfy both of you very well. Bon appétit!
